Ahh, so. The slave trade never happened; we are absolved!

Just in case anyone was still feeling some white guilt over the whole slave thing, feel guilty no more!

In fact, it didn't really happen like in that dumb ass, totally made up, no-actual-basis-in-history movie with all those annoying African people. Fuckin Kunta Kinte was probably living like a king, my friend! It was just a simple, misunderstood trade agreement between the Americas and Africa. PHEW! Now I can go back to enjoying my pasty skin and not worry about stuff like the civil rights movement and stuff. And the problems in the Middle East? It's just those silly Muslims causing a raucous again.

Those damned teachers in high school really screwed me over by making history seem so complex. If only I had known that the military is the true root of forward momentum in this God Blessed country, and that White Christians with Guns* are the only truly important folks on this earth, I might have really excelled!

Experience the ridiculousness in its entirety at the guardian.

*I do support gun rights but they're so PREDICTABLE, right?